The thing is, I hardly make commitment’s. And before i joined the military the biggest commitment i ever made was which tooth paste i would use. I have this irrational fear that if i commit to something eventually it will end. I’ve turned down many things in this life because of this. But now i’ve found myself in a corner. How much further will i make it? I will not spoil the rest of my life because present me, is all about ‘me’. I have to man up.
My palms sweat with anticipations as I stand at parade rest outside my commander’s door. I do my best to play it off but I can’t. My legs are weak, my heartbeat slow but strong. I look down repeatedly at my uniform ensuring everything is place. I stand there a few more minutes comparing the brail lettering to the actual number above it, attempting to figure it out. That’s when my platoon sergeant pokes his head out there door “wait five seconds, then knock.” He closes the door and I count in my head 1… 2… I begin to move towards the door, 3… 4… I’m in front of it now, nervous and with a deep breath I knock loudly 3 times as I count 5 in my head. My platoon sergeant opens the door for me, and I step in the commander’s office I can’t focus on anything. I turn around and close the door neatly behind me, and stand before my commander’s desk. “Private Rizo reporting as ordered mam” I say delivering a crisp salute. She returns my salute and I snap my arm back to my side, standing at the position of attention. I gaze into the wall behind her, hiding my emotions as she begins to read off my offences. I confirm I understand what I am being accused of. She has me sign and dates my name, and then asks me to step out while they hold council. I bring up a salute acknowledging I am being dismissed temporarily, and step out of the office, closing the door behind me. I stand back in front of the brail lettering as though I’m fascinated by it, but I’m not. I can’t even think a solid though. I begin to hear them speaking in soft tones so I would not hear, they do a pretty good job for the most part. But then I begin to pick up what they are saying. My platoon sergeant is actually trying to fight for me, he’s telling them that it’s my first offense and I should not be tried so hard. My first sergeant isn’t having it though. I could hear him, judging me through the wall, plotting to take my rank, my money, and my free time, all for what? I understand where and when punishment is do, but to be judged so harshly by a man who is supposed to be leading me? My platoon sergeant begins again, giving more examples as to why I should not be tried so hard. He understands that punishment is due, but to be punished this hard? I then hear the commander talk again and then their voices go very low again. I stop listening; I’ve heard what I needed. I just wanted to know the punishment before I actually faced them again. I hate surprises. And I didn’t want any of them having the satisfaction of catching me off-guard. The room goes quiet for a couple of minutes when my platoon sergeant pokes his head out the door “wait five, and then knock.” I knew he tried to fight for me, and I thanked him in my thoughts. I had been given the opportunity to defend myself, prepare documents to support my side, have people speak on my behalf. I denied it all. Just because I accept it, does not mean I am guilty of it. I keep that in mind as I approach the door. I don’t count this time, but wait for the time I feel it be right to knock. I knock loudly 3 times and wait for my platoon sergeant to once again open the door for me. I walk through the door, focusing solely on my step as I close the door smartly behind me. I step up to my commander’s and deliver my salute. It’s at this point that I feel completely disappointed in my leadership. I stand there staring through the wall as my commander speaks. “You have been found guilty of all charges.” She says. Of course I have, I think, I’m well aware of the offences as I had already served punishment each time. She begins to list off the punishments. Reduced from private first class to private, forfeiture of pay, 14 days extra duty. I acknowledge the punishment. Deliver my final salute as a Private first class and exit the office. All this over being late three times? Extra duty was to be expected, but demoting me? Taking my pay? Since being at this unit, I’ve done nothing but give them my best. I work hard, I never slack off, but does anyone see? Absolutely not. This is not something I will easily bounce back from. I feel as though my senior leadership is out to get me, I don’t feel a sense of security with the very people I’m supposed to fight beside. If this is what the army has to offer, I’m done. I came here to learn, to fight, to become a better person. But I don’t feel that. I feel like the hunted out here.
